Can I get a WHAT, WHAT?!

Hope everyone had a fantabulous long weekend :) I stayed in most of it, read, also did a little shopping on Sunday, hung out with my kiddies and visited my sister on Saturday.

And no, I was not subjected to the torturous Barbecue :) YAY for moi. Aint it grand?! Not because I "chickened out" either, like a friend of mine accused me of. She's always been a nasty Puerto Rican :) She decided not to throw the party for her man, why? Who knows, who cares, as long as I was spared.lol

On to the business of the day, MEN! I received an email from a friend of mine in the great state of Texas. She has been doing really well with her exercise regimen and eating a lot better and has even seen results. And she knows, intellectually that when you are in the middle of a weight loss/health program your body is a work in progress. I mean she really knows, she is a friggin' nurse, so seriously, SHE KNOWS!

But how many times have I said that knowing something logically doesn't necessarily mean that we can shut off our feelings? Many, becasue it just doen't matter what you know, sometimes it's all about how you feel.

Anyway, she is in a store and notices a man, (just some random dude) checking her out, can I get a what, what?!. This, of course, make her nervous while making her very happy, indeed.

So she starts adjusting herself, a little self conscious. I mean who is he looking at, her? really, or perhaps someone over her shoulder, or that 20-something she saw a minute ago? Anywho, she starts for the door and get this, he runs across the store, knocks down a vieja (old lady) jumps a hurdle of small children and huffing and puffing, he grabs the door and holds it open for her.

Okay, okay, it didn't happen quite like that :) LOL

However he did hold the door open for her and was smiling. She is thinking "What a gentleman", and smiles back. And in the few seconds this thought is floating through her mind, he is still smiling, while studying her purty face, his gaze lowers to "the girls" as most men's do, and yep, he is STILL smiling. Now by this time she is feeling just great. A man other than her man is appreciative of her beauty, of her efforts, wow! And then he glances down to what she refers to as her "pooch" and then BAM! He looks away with what she describes as "a look of disappointment".

And what happened? Well my friend gets pissed and walks away without a backward glance, but she left upset with her weight, all she was thinking was "Asshole"!

My point is this, though we shouldn't let them, our surroundings and interactions DO shape us and our moods. Before the jerk wad made his "face" she was on cloud nine. Happy with her progress thus far, feeling sexy and strutting her stuff. After "the face" she spiraled down into a completely different mood. And it all happen in the blink of an eye with just one look :(

MEN! Why couldn't he just have kept smiling that extra nano-seond and parted ways?

Don't worry mama, you are still fly :) Don't let the haters get ya down.

Laterz!

Long Weekend Ahead...

So, I got a call from a friend inviting me to a barbecue/birthday party this weekend. And I really see now, how my weight affects everything I do. It affects my social life in the sense that I don't have one. I will go and visit a friend or family member but I detest gatherings. It wasn't always like that, I wasn't always like that.

I just hate being the big girl at the party, you know? I always feel uncomfortable, like every one is staring at me. Should I eat before hand, should I stick to water, how early can I leave without looking bad? All questions I ponder every friggin' time I go somewhere.

'Cuz, seriously, who can have a good time when they don't feel as if they fit it? Not me, that's for sure. And it doesn't help that I recently developed a few rolls of film I found around my house and saw myself about 65 lbs lighter. I look so pretty, not to toot my own horn or anything (TOOT - TOOT!!!!).

Not only was I thinner, I was happy, my skin was radiant, my outfit fabulous, of course! You see, it's a whole package with me apparently, black or white, no "in between".

Okay, so I'm fat, why can't I find the elusive "it" and still take care of myself? Why do I live in stretch pants, sweats and hoodies when I'm not at work (and sometimes even when I am)?

I don't know, but I will be doing a lot of soul searching this weekend, because I'm tired of thinking that only thin women can be pretty or have fun or be desired. I mean logically, I know this, but emotionally I have to catch up.

As for the party, am I going? Yes, I am, but I don't wanna. And that's the truth :(

In case I don't get to log on again, have a great weekend!

Laterz!