Long Weekend Ahead...

So, I got a call from a friend inviting me to a barbecue/birthday party this weekend. And I really see now, how my weight affects everything I do. It affects my social life in the sense that I don't have one. I will go and visit a friend or family member but I detest gatherings. It wasn't always like that, I wasn't always like that.

I just hate being the big girl at the party, you know? I always feel uncomfortable, like every one is staring at me. Should I eat before hand, should I stick to water, how early can I leave without looking bad? All questions I ponder every friggin' time I go somewhere.

'Cuz, seriously, who can have a good time when they don't feel as if they fit it? Not me, that's for sure. And it doesn't help that I recently developed a few rolls of film I found around my house and saw myself about 65 lbs lighter. I look so pretty, not to toot my own horn or anything (TOOT - TOOT!!!!).

Not only was I thinner, I was happy, my skin was radiant, my outfit fabulous, of course! You see, it's a whole package with me apparently, black or white, no "in between".

Okay, so I'm fat, why can't I find the elusive "it" and still take care of myself? Why do I live in stretch pants, sweats and hoodies when I'm not at work (and sometimes even when I am)?

I don't know, but I will be doing a lot of soul searching this weekend, because I'm tired of thinking that only thin women can be pretty or have fun or be desired. I mean logically, I know this, but emotionally I have to catch up.

As for the party, am I going? Yes, I am, but I don't wanna. And that's the truth :(

In case I don't get to log on again, have a great weekend!

Laterz!