Oh the Horror!

Hope you had a great weekend. I, myself, had a quiet weekend. Stayed in most of the weekend, which is just fine by me. However I did have a scare. My sister and her boyfriend were thinking of going to a local lake to have a cook out and enjoy the weather and the water. Thankfully he got a last minute invite to New York City by some of his friends and so they postponed the cook out. Phew!

Are you thinking to yourself, “This chicks got a screw loose”? Well I don’t. The reason it is so scary to me, is because I have a huge complex (no pun intended) about me in a bathing suit. (Okay, obviously not me, but you get the picture) Blah! And if you saw me in a bathing suit you would say the same thing.

Do I have any pictures? Hell NO! lol

I went on vacation last year with some friends and our kids, I was comfortable because I was among friends and I hit the pool a couple of nights in my new suit and just enjoyed myself. And then all of that fell apart when the pics were developed.

OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Terrible, I looked like a friggin' beached whale. I was horrified. I also threatened their very lives if they showed anyone. I trashed my copies immediately.

Now, why didn’t I keep them, post them on the fridge and turn a negative into a positive? Well according to my old therapist it’s because my fat is my weapon of choice against the possibility of having my heart broken again. No joke, this is what she said.

I was asking why she thinks that it has been so difficult for me since I moved up here to shed the pounds, to stop smoking (I had stopped for 9 years) to get healthy. Her answer shocked me, I hate being fat, why would I force myself to stay this way? Because my last relationship so shattered me mentally and emotionally, I packed on the pounds as a shield against another relationship. Do I believe her? Yeah, sometimes, but I still have to take responsibility and change my life.

In my minds eye, even though I know it ISN’T true (my mom is full figured and has a boyfriend, a younger one at that – Go mommy!) I feel that being fat keeps men away. No Attraction, no men, no dates, no emotion, no heart break. I’m Safe.

However, I still think that I should be able to dedicate myself completely to getting healthy and stick to it. Am I better than before? Yes, I am actually, I do walk a lot more, and I drink at least 1/2 gallon of water daily. But I can be doing so much more. I start a program and I am all gung ho about it for a week or a month and then I slack off.

People’s advice? Start slow, you didn’t gain the weight over night, you aren’t going to lose it overnight. Don’t ya just hate common sense? lol

And this is why I was relieved when he went to NYC and my sister postponed. Will I be Halle Berry by next weekend? Nah, but it still felt like a reprieve.

And I have to get another counselor, my old one may have told me WHAT my problem is, now I need some help learning how to go about fixing it so I can stop sabotaging myself.

'Cuz you know what? I absolutely adore the water, the pool, the lake, the ocean, love it all. And I haven't let myself truly enjoy any of it in 4 years. Four years is a long time, and enough is enough you know?

Laterz!